yay vent art~! you can definitely feel free to ignore this. mainly just documentation of moods for future reference and trying to express myself artistically so old shit doesn't come cropping back up.
dude. i cannot begin to describe how emotionally and mentally draining it is to be growing up, growing older, having to try to mature. i don't know what the fuck i want. i don't know what the fuck i'm going to be doing. i don't know who i'll be with. i look happy and upbeat most of the time but it's a fucking mask. i'm stressed. i'm nervous. i feel sick. i feel like shit. but then i realize things will be okay, right? then i start thinking again. i feel like everything is just a fucking roller coaster. slowly climbing up one hill to happiness and then just fucking flying back down that dark decline into the dark. and repeat. and repeat. and repeat...i don't deal well with it. i don't deal well with myself. i fucking hate who i am most of the time because of what i can do to other people. what i'm capable of. because i don't know me. i don't know what i want. i don't know what to do. the guy i'm with now? great guy. but not for me. because i know i'm going to hurt him. because i know i want more. i know as long as i'm with him i'll be looking for someone else. and he knows. goddammit does he know. and here i still am. here we still are. why the fuck does he cling to much to someone so worthless when he knows i'm going to end up hurting him?! and goddammit, my family. they're all wonderful people. full of potential. college, army, marines, air force, successful business people. every time i gather near them i loathe myself. i can't be like that. i'm a simpleton. i've always been okay with settling at the bottom. but i want things. i want what they have. i want people to be proud of me. i want to be the child that gets bragged about, not my brother. but dammit, i love them all so much and i'm so proud of them. why can't i be okay where i am? why can't i go any further in life? because i fucking cling to people. because i'm terrified to do things on my own. i'm too goddamn used to relying on others. i don't know how to do things on my own. i lack the fucking motivation. i procrastinate. i lurk in the dark and cause all the reasons for hating myself. i can do better, i can be better, i can surpass all of those that i look up to! but i don't. i'm still so content to sit and watch. but i will be better! somehow...some way...i will find it in myself. i will do the things that i have to in order to one day finally really fucking love myself. vent over. fuck this moody shit.